Maya stood at her kitchen counter, staring at the text message from her partner, Adam.
“Can you take care of the groceries again this week? I’m swamped at work.”
She tightened her grip on her phone, frustration rising in her chest. It wasn’t just about groceries. It was everything she had been handling alone for weeks: taking care of sick children, cleaning for holiday parties, and running other errands. Maya loved Adam but was starting to feel invisible in their relationship.
Through therapy, Maya had learned to pay attention to her body’s signals. In our therapy work, I often reminded her to pause in moments like this, take a deep breath, and ask herself, “What is this feeling telling me?”
Maya closed her eyes and focused on the tightness in her chest. She noticed feelings of resentment, sadness, and overwhelm bubbling to the surface. Underneath it all, she recognized a deep need to feel supported and valued. This realization wasn’t about blaming Adam. It was about identifying her own needs and setting boundaries.
Boundaries, Maya learned, are not about shutting people out. Instead, they clarify what is important to us and communicate what we need to feel safe and respected in our relationships.
In therapy, she often explored how her upbringing shaped her struggles with boundaries. Maya grew up in a household where emotions were brushed aside, and avoiding conflict was the norm. She learned to prioritize others’ needs while ignoring her own.
Her therapist had once said, “Boundaries are an act of love for yourself and the people in your life. They help create healthier and more balanced relationships.”
With this in mind, Maya picked up her phone and typed a reply:
“Hey, I understand you’re busy, but I’ve been handling the groceries and many other responsibilities lately. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Can we talk about dividing these tasks more collaboratively?”
Her heart raced as she sent the message. Although she still felt some fear when she expressed herself and asked for help, she also felt a sense of relief almost immediately. By speaking her truth, she was taking a step toward change.
She was taking a step towards better self-care and self-compassion. She had been reading and learning more about the importance of self-care; however, she found it challenging to put into practice. That is where therapy has helped Maya to process the emotions that come up in her body, such as fear and shame, when she needs to ask for help.
She had learned to hold back from tuning in to her needs and asking for them, fearing she would burden or anger her attachment figures and risk losing the little they had left to offer her.
Adam’s reply came an hour later:
“You’re right. I’m sorry for putting so much on you. Let’s talk tonight.”
Maya felt a wave of relief. By expressing her needs, she set a boundary and opened a door for better communication and partnership.
Setting boundaries is challenging for many of us. We often fear conflict or worry about being seen as selfish. However, boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They allow us to care for ourselves while fostering respect and understanding with others.
If you’re struggling with boundaries, here are a few tips to help:
–Physical sensations like tension, fatigue, or restlessness can signal that a boundary is needed.
-Explore what emotions are coming up and what unmet needs they may be pointing to.
-Think about what you are willing to give and where you need to draw the line and turn to others.
-Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need, such as, “I feel overwhelmed managing all the chores. Can we find a way to share them?”
-Setting boundaries is just the beginning. Staying consistent helps build trust and respect over time.
May this new year bring you the growth and the self-compassion you deserve.
Love,
Liliane
